There are several important things to ask yourself before you act on the assumption your child is being completely accurate.

First, is your child old enough to have a full and accurate understanding of events? Numerous experiments with very young children have made it clear that they often confuse their own fantasies with what actually occurred – as seen, for example, on a video of an event involving the child.

Second, children caught in the middle of high parental conflict go to great lengths to “pitch” a story, quite possibly a “whopper,” that they believe will signal to a parent, “See, I’m on your side. I am loyal to you. Now you can never feel about me the way you do my other parent, right?” We provide examples of this deadly “trap” (for parents) in both our Part A and Part B classes.

Third, children may be angry at the “bad” parent, especially when the child doesn’t like a consequence the child got when with the “bad” parent. The “horror story,” then, can be both a form of revenge and, as well, a way to manipulate the “good” parent into giving the child special attention. “Horror stories” also occur when a child is trying to manipulate a parent into doing or allowing things the child says the other parent is doing. That might involve bed hours, what the child is allowed to eat, what the child is allowed to do….such as ride an ATV without adult supervision.

Fourth, children can misunderstand what a parent actually said or meant. A parent once reported that she had told her son to behave. The child answered, “But Mommy! I am being have!!” A more common example is a child’s understanding a parent to be doing something more than blowing off steam when saying something in anger such as, “If you don’t keep your room cleaner, I’m going to put up a tent in the back yard and you can live there.”

What to Do?

Probably the best approach is to sit down alone with your child in a quiet place. Instead of automatically believing every word of your child’s ‘horror story,’ ask questions:

“How did you feel when that happened?” (push the child to use specific feeling words)

“Where (in what room, for example) did that happen? Who else was there?” If the child reacts by saying, “You don’t believe me!”, respond by saying, “I’m just trying to understand the situation. I wasn’t there.”

“What happened just before that? After?” And, “How do you feel about it now?”

Here’s what to ask yourself when your child is answering your questions: (1) Is the child vague or specific? The less specific, the more you have reason to doubt the ‘facts’ (2) Do the child’s feeling words line up with the situation he or she is describing. Dr. Herold once asked an 11 year old in a child custody evaluation how she felt when, per her ‘horror story,’ her father first secured her to an ironing board and then sexually abused her. She said, “I’d like it better if he didn’t do that.”
(3) Is the child consistent in how he or she tells the ‘horror story’ a second or third time? (4) Is there a hint that your child is trying to manipulate you (they do that!!!!) and/or ‘pitch’ a loyalty play to you and/or take revenge on the other ‘bad’ parent for something he or she did the child didn’t like?

Before calling the police or Child Protective Services, assuming you and your co-parent can have a civil conversation, ask him or her politely to set aside a few minutes to talk to you, preferably alone. You will be much more likely to make your co-parent defensive (therefore likely to hang up the phone) if you start with an “I” message: “I just wanted to share something with you that Lee told me happened yesterday at your house. Please don’t think I’m accusing you of something. I’m just concerned and, of course, I’d be open to hearing what Lee tells you about what happens in my house. Would that be O.K.?”

Be sure to quote the child, or make sure you’re repeating the ‘horror’ story accurately. NEVER say, “When you told Lee she’d have to sleep outside in a tent from now on, even in the rain…..” Instead, say, “When Lee told me she thought she’d have to sleep outside in a tent from now on, even if it was raining, I felt confused and concerned. Would you be willing to shed some light on this? I’d be so grateful.”

Use Common Sense!

If you know for a fact that your co-parent has a history of drunk driving, drunk parenting, or has a record of abusing and/or neglecting children, it is safer to assume that there is a basis for your child’s horror story. Similarly, if you were a victim of domestic violence, something other than being pushed or slapped in an argument, you have reason to be concerned about your co-parent’s judgment and impulse control.

If you decide to contact the police or Child Protective Services, don’t be too surprised if CPS makes at best a token investigation and then dismissed your complaint as ‘unfounded.’ That is especially likely to happen if you, in the past, have made several complaints that all got dismissed as ‘unfounded,’ CPS is likely to view you as a trouble maker. If that happens, and you keep bringing up ‘unfounded’ allegations of child abuse in family law court, you run a serious risk of the court’s branding you an alienating parent. If the court becomes convinced that you are waging a campaign with no convincing evidence in order to alienate your child from his or her other parent, you could very well find that a judge orders a complete change of custody in favor of the other parent.